Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding