centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.