(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing