The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Donkey Kong sommelier
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
When you’ve simply given up.