If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You Might Also Like
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Oops I deleted….
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.