Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
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Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”