[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.