her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Sorry. Not sorry
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom