Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*launders Kohls cash*
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.