Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that