Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
You Might Also Like
What number SPF blocks people?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame