*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific