I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT