[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too