ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The pasta is now
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.