“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT