My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.