It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.