Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.