Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I have never related to a cat more
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.