Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Nice try Hitler
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.