Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I have obtained a hat
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats