everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
You Might Also Like
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I’m not wrong
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut