Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.