*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
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Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor