if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.