Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce