Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.