Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable