My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.