[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
they really do be looking like this
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.