MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
You Might Also Like
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Cat.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor