Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!