Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”