I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience