You Might Also Like
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
New comic up. “Ransom”