[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me irl
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40