*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Cool shirt 🙂
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time