My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.