I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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Cow it started Cow it’s going
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.