Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
it must be school picture day
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m sorry…what?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.