The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
You Might Also Like
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Put the is in disheveled
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.