Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child