Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]