I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
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[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
no such thing as a dumb question
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Put this video in the Louvre
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.