“just sayin” who asked you though?
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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Never ghost your hitman.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The fall of Netflix
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?