BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
when you order from DoorDastardly
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this