Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
This is me 🤣🤣
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Bike for sale
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
peep davidson
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*