Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
mentally somewhere in italy
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty