“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
pep talk
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.